Thoughts
The entry below was written weeks ago. I have written many entries without posting them. I write them and just short of clicking on "POST," I wonder to myself why I would write all of my hopes, dreams and fears on the internet to be published into a blog for all the world to see when I'm uncomfortable telling even some of my best friends the same. I've never been one that wants to be seen as vulnerable, or show many emotions in general. So where do I want this blog to go? Do I want it to be a simple play-by-play of my daily activities throughout my journey, or will it be more? Will it show who I am and show my journey through my actions and emotions or read more like a Fodor's guide?
Entry from October 4th:
It's times like these when I wonder what I am doing, and how crazy I am to do it. It's when I'm lying in bed, with my own thoughts. It's not a bad feeling, just a time to stop and think. I've never really been one to lose sleep over much. Never really had a hard time going to sleep. Since I was young I had a magical gift of drifting off almost immediately after my head hit the pillow. But these days are a little different. I think about all of the things, people, responsibilities I am leaving behind.
One of my most common worries is over the family business. I know it will go on without me. My dad grew his business from the ground up because he is smart and has many people's support and help along the way. It is foolish for me to think it will all crumble to the ground when I leave. And I don't think it will, but I know that I have been an integral part of the business' success over the past three years since I graduated from college and became the VP (a title which I am simultaneously embarrassed and proud of). I have guided my father through some tough decisions on where the company is heading and whipped into shape some of the tools to become more successful, such as bonding.
I have hired my replacement and will begin to train her tomorrow. Three and a half weeks doesn't seem like enough time, but it is all we have after a few speed bumps along the way. I hope we have made the right decision and that it will successful. I feel so much responsibility for the decision made. I am pensive about training how the training will go, and trying to have faith that it will all go well. I try not to talk about work much and know that most of my peers don't understand what I do - other than Facebook and a little paperwork here and there. But there's much more to it than an outsider could ever understand.
I will be somewhat involved in the company while away. Reviewing reports, making suggestions, reconciling accounts, and general overview of the position. It is great to live in a time when this is possible from so far away! Still being in the loop, I feel I will be able to relieve some of my fears, knowing that things are under control. I just hope I am able to relinquish all control at some point.
I also think about leaving my family behind. Again, I know they will be fine without me. But I have always felt some sort of responsibility to keep everyone together, even though they are quite capable of it themselves. But I have felt like the glue at points in my life and.....maybe I am using that as a crutch. Maybe I am really just worried for myself and my own dependency on them. My parents have just done so much for me, I feel bad leaving like this. Listen to me, I sound like I'm leaving and never returning. Not the case.
I feel bad for leaving my dog behind. Luca has been with me for years and has a special place in my heart. It's a little embarrassing to say, but if anything were to keep me from going, it would be her. To my friends reading this who have kids: don't be offended. But she is like a kid to me, the closest thing I've got anyway, and will miss her dearly. Unbeknownst to my father, she will be staying with my parents and their two dogs. Being a chihuahua (an abused one at that), Luca has become a pain in the ass, scared of everyone and everything that crosses her path. But she has warmed up to my mom a lot, and hope she will be able settle in without me. I had thought about bringing her with me, as it is a possibility. But in the end, it would just be too hard to travel with her. If I were to stay in one place for the majority of my time I would consider it as a more viable option. But entering India, leaving for 2 months into Nepal and re-entering India would just be too hard and could possible create problems, even with the right paperwork. Authorities have a lot more freedom and creativity with laws than those here and it just isn't worth it.
Then there are my friends. But everyone has their own life, and I don't feel a lot of guilt on that side of things. We all go our different ways, even if we are to meet up again. I see it as temporary and more than that, I have all of their support behind me.
Entry from October 4th:
It's times like these when I wonder what I am doing, and how crazy I am to do it. It's when I'm lying in bed, with my own thoughts. It's not a bad feeling, just a time to stop and think. I've never really been one to lose sleep over much. Never really had a hard time going to sleep. Since I was young I had a magical gift of drifting off almost immediately after my head hit the pillow. But these days are a little different. I think about all of the things, people, responsibilities I am leaving behind.
One of my most common worries is over the family business. I know it will go on without me. My dad grew his business from the ground up because he is smart and has many people's support and help along the way. It is foolish for me to think it will all crumble to the ground when I leave. And I don't think it will, but I know that I have been an integral part of the business' success over the past three years since I graduated from college and became the VP (a title which I am simultaneously embarrassed and proud of). I have guided my father through some tough decisions on where the company is heading and whipped into shape some of the tools to become more successful, such as bonding.
I have hired my replacement and will begin to train her tomorrow. Three and a half weeks doesn't seem like enough time, but it is all we have after a few speed bumps along the way. I hope we have made the right decision and that it will successful. I feel so much responsibility for the decision made. I am pensive about training how the training will go, and trying to have faith that it will all go well. I try not to talk about work much and know that most of my peers don't understand what I do - other than Facebook and a little paperwork here and there. But there's much more to it than an outsider could ever understand.
I will be somewhat involved in the company while away. Reviewing reports, making suggestions, reconciling accounts, and general overview of the position. It is great to live in a time when this is possible from so far away! Still being in the loop, I feel I will be able to relieve some of my fears, knowing that things are under control. I just hope I am able to relinquish all control at some point.
I also think about leaving my family behind. Again, I know they will be fine without me. But I have always felt some sort of responsibility to keep everyone together, even though they are quite capable of it themselves. But I have felt like the glue at points in my life and.....maybe I am using that as a crutch. Maybe I am really just worried for myself and my own dependency on them. My parents have just done so much for me, I feel bad leaving like this. Listen to me, I sound like I'm leaving and never returning. Not the case.
I feel bad for leaving my dog behind. Luca has been with me for years and has a special place in my heart. It's a little embarrassing to say, but if anything were to keep me from going, it would be her. To my friends reading this who have kids: don't be offended. But she is like a kid to me, the closest thing I've got anyway, and will miss her dearly. Unbeknownst to my father, she will be staying with my parents and their two dogs. Being a chihuahua (an abused one at that), Luca has become a pain in the ass, scared of everyone and everything that crosses her path. But she has warmed up to my mom a lot, and hope she will be able settle in without me. I had thought about bringing her with me, as it is a possibility. But in the end, it would just be too hard to travel with her. If I were to stay in one place for the majority of my time I would consider it as a more viable option. But entering India, leaving for 2 months into Nepal and re-entering India would just be too hard and could possible create problems, even with the right paperwork. Authorities have a lot more freedom and creativity with laws than those here and it just isn't worth it.
Then there are my friends. But everyone has their own life, and I don't feel a lot of guilt on that side of things. We all go our different ways, even if we are to meet up again. I see it as temporary and more than that, I have all of their support behind me.
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